Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey’s died.’

Paddy replied, ‘Well then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I’ve already spent it.’

Paddy said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’

The farmer asked, ‘What are you going to do with him?’

Paddy said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle a dead donkey!’

Paddy said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ‘ What happened with that dead donkey?’

Paddy said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898′
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Paddy said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.’

Bombay has no bombs and is a harbour not a bay.

Churchgate has neither a church nor a gate. It is a railway station.

There is no darkness in Andheri.

Lalbaag is neither red nor a garden.

No king ever stayed at Kings Circle ..

Nor did Queen Victoria stay at Victoria Terminus..

Photo by Joe Ravi under CC-BY-SA 3.0 license

Nor is there any princess at Princess Street ..

Lower Parel is at the same level as Parel

There are no marines or sailors at Marine Lines.

The Mahalaxmi temple is at Haji Ali not at Mahalaxmi.

There are no pigs traded at Dukar bazaar.

Teen bati is a junction of 3 roads, not three lamps.

Trams used to terminate at Kings circle not Dadar* Tram Terminus (Dadar T..T..).

Breach Candy is not a sweetmeat market, but there is a Hospital.

Safed Pool has the dirtiest and blackest water.

You cannot buy coal at Kolsa street.

There are no Iron smiths at Lohar chawl.

There are no pot makers at Kumbhar wada.

Lokhandwala complex is not an Iron and steel market.

Null bazaar does not sell taps.

You will not find ladyfingers at Bhendi Bazaar.

Kalachowki does not have a black Police station.

Hanging Gardens are not suspended.

Mirchi Gully does not sell chillies.

Figs do not grow in Anjir Wadi.

Sitafals do not grow in Sitafal Wadi,

Jackfruits do not grow at Fanaswadi.

But it is true that you may get fleeced at Chor Bazaar!

Text:

“So all the evidence massively supports a theory of evolution that knits together everything we know about biology.

However, as high school science students in the State of Louisiana, you are entitled to learn an alternative theory supported by no scientific evidence whatsoever!

It goes like this. 5,700 years ago, a male deity created the heavens and earth and all life on it in six days…

Unfortunately, he didn’t like his own handwork, so god created genocide and drowned everyoen on earth except the family of Noah, a 600-year-old man who was charged with saving animals…”

A student interrupts Mr. Stiller, asking him to stop. Siller concludes… “Almost done, so Noah took two of everything including microbes, but forgot the dinosaurs…”

Source: Pagan Literal

The husband’s on a week long business trip and gets a call from his wife:

W: “Hello, sweetheart!”
H: “Ah yes, darling, I’m busy. Is there a problem?”
W: “Um, I  just called to tell you that the parrot died”
H: “My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?”
W: “That’s the one.”
H: “Damn ! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Oh
well…How did he die? “
W: “From eating rotten meat.”
H: “Rotten meat? Where did he get rotten meat?”
W: “He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.”
H: “Dead horses? What dead horses?”
W: “Why, those pure breed ones that you had. They died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
H: “Are you insane? What water cart?”
W: “The one we used to put out the fire.”
H: “Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, woman?”
W: “The one at our house! A candle fell and then the curtain caught on fire.”
H: “What the…!!! But there’s electricity at the house! What was the
candle for ???”
W: “For the funeral.”
H: “WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL ?!!”
W: “Your mother’s! She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her!

When I was a kid getting on my two feet and learning the English alphabet, we learnt it using our ever familiar objects…

The process hasn’t changed today itself. Just the objects…

And, at least A still stands for Apple!

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash.

[5] A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you’ll regret it later.

[8] You can’t buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You’d better give it to her or she’ll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I’m wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You’re getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

SATYAMism
You have a cow. You have its milk. But don’t know what to do with it!

DELLism
Intel has a Goat.. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow’s milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn’t give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don’t know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don’t have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world’s thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2… stay on line if you’d like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don’t know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorized resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that’s his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don’t yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

Kudos to Sachin Tendulkar on scoring the first 200 in International cricket. We watched his performance and it was one well deserved 200. Unfortunately for hi, when he had his appraisal, here’s what happened!

200 Runs/ 147Balls / 25×4 / 3×6

Agree you have done GREAT BUT BUT BUT BUT

25 x 4s = 100

3 x 6s = 18

It implies that you scored 118 Runs in 28 Balls.

And 12 x 2s = 24

58 x 1s = 58

IT means you scored all 200 Runs in only 98 balls

So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls

Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable additional contribution FOR OUR TEAM

MANAGER’S COMMENT:

So you only met the expectations and NOT EXCEEDING (so what if no one else in our team did it) and your Grade is C

Areas for Improvement for Sachin : Learn from how to STEAL singles. ( you better know what I mean stealing single )

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusio n of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas:

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.