WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

SATYAMism
You have a cow. You have its milk. But don’t know what to do with it!

DELLism
Intel has a Goat.. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow’s milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn’t give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don’t know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don’t have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world’s thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2… stay on line if you’d like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don’t know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorized resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that’s his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don’t yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

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200 Runs/ 147Balls / 25×4 / 3×6

Agree you have done GREAT BUT BUT BUT BUT

25 x 4s = 100

3 x 6s = 18

It implies that you scored 118 Runs in 28 Balls.

And 12 x 2s = 24

58 x 1s = 58

IT means you scored all 200 Runs in only 98 balls

So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls

Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable additional contribution FOR OUR TEAM

MANAGER’S COMMENT:

So you only met the expectations and NOT EXCEEDING (so what if no one else in our team did it) and your Grade is C

Areas for Improvement for Sachin : Learn from how to STEAL singles. ( you better know what I mean stealing single )

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (it means Lord have mercy)

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. (The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusio n of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas:

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands..
4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.. S. Is done.
20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

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“You’ve done very well so far,” said Amitabh, “but for Rs. 1 crore, you’ve only got one lifeline left – Phone a Friend. Everything’s riding on this question… will you go for it ?”

“Sure,” said Juze. “Aum ek last chance, marta!”

“OK ….. The QUESTION is ….. Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest ? a) Robin,(b) Sparrow,(c) Cuckoo, or(d) Crow”?

“Heje maayinchem caazar … I not knowing dat,” said Juze, “so better use my last life line, and phone to my friend, Pedru Pochok (actual name: Pedro Pacheco) from Mumbai. He’s East Indian, but a Bandra boy, & born & brought up in Mumbai, so he’s too smart-a real shaana buggar.”

Juze called up his friend in Mumbai, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

“Arree Baba Anton !” cried Pedru, “Sarko Endo Mure Tu, Simple it is .. it’s a cuckoo.”

“Ah-vois, sure mure Pedru ?” asked Juze.

“Arre Baba, hundred percent sure re ! Pakka !”

Juze hung up the phone and told Amitabh Bachan, “I tell Cookoo.”

“Is that your final answer ?” asked Amitabh.

“Sarkem sure, Sir !”

There was a long, long pause, then Amitabh Bachan screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer ! Juze, you’ve won Rs..1 Crore ! !”

The next night, Juze threw a big party for all the people from Moira, at the Moira Club. Pedru was specially flown in from Mumbai, as the Chief Guest.

Time for speeches …

Juze takes the mike and asks Pedru, “Saang mure, Pedru ? Foo told you ? How you know cuckoo isn’t building its own nest ?

Says Pedru, “You’re sarko bondo re, Juze. Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock! ”

Clipart from Clipartheaven.com

He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.

He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.

When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain.

As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.

The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.

The patient laughed at him & said “can’t even fix such a simple problem…

no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…”

Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre.

Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that!

The driver was very impressed and asked “You’re so smart but why are you here at the IMH?”

Patient replied: “Hello, I stay here because I’m crazy not STUPID!”

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the- art computer to become obsolete.

G3: Apple’s new Macs that make you say, “Gee, it’s three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago.”

Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.”

Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error.

GUI (pronounced “gooey”): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it.

Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.

Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.

Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.

System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I?m not really out of the office. I?m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn?t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.?

( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I?m thinking about what you?ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I?m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don?t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I?ve run away to join a different circus.

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn’t get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father’s business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God’s gift.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an Native American:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was virtually no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

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Teacher asked one of his student when he was cooking…

Teacher: Son, what are you constructing?
Student: Sir, i am building food

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Principal to student?” I saw you yesterday rotating near girls hostel
pulling cigarette? ? ”

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Class teacher once said :

” Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!”

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A Hindi teacher once said?.”I’m going out of the world to America..”

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“..DON’T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..”

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“dont..laugh at the back benches?otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down?..”

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It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried
to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said:

” why is fan not oning” (ing form of on)

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Teacher in a furious mood?

“Write down your name and father of your name!!”

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“Shhh? quiet? the principal is revolving around college”

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My manager started like this

“Hi, I am Ali, Married with two kids”

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“I’ll illustrate what I have in my mind” said the professor and erased the board

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“Will you hang that calendar or else I’ll HANG MYSELF”

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LIBRARIAN scolding: ” IF YOU WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE”

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Chemistry head of department comes and tells us?

“My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter”

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“Tomorrow call your parents especially mother and father”

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“Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?!”

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Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code..

“I understand. You understand. Computer how understand??”

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Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class..

“Keep quiet, the principal has passed away”

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“Take a copper wire of any material….”

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“I have two daughters. Both are girls”

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Prof had to deal with a couple of noisy backbenchers -

Walked up to the noisiest fellow & crooked a finger:
“You, sir, please to be following me”

He led the chap just outside the class, promptly did an about-face and
told the fellow:

“Now, don’t follow me!” and walked back into class….

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