Confucius says… and other jokes

Confucius

Confucius says

Confucius

  1. War do not determine who right; war determine who left
  2. If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
  3. Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
  4. He who run in front of car get tired; He who run behind get exhausted
  5. Don’t run after man who steal garden gate; He might take a fence
  6. Best time to go to dentist is tooth hurty
  7. Man who put pea in soup very unclean

And some other jokes

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
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GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
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GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number?
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GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
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GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve?
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BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?
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BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?
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SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
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MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
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WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
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MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
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Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.
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Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.
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Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
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Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?
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Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
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Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
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Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
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Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
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Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
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Teacher : “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? ”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”
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Teacher : “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

 

24 Church Bulletin Board Bloopers!

Announcements in church are a part and parcel of the church experience. Not to mention people clamouring outside the church bulletin board to read the too long ones. But, when you have bloopers like these…

  1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  2. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
  3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands..
  4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  6. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
  12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.. S. Is done.
  20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

25 Beautiful Short Phrases

Cool One Liners

If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.

Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out..

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he’s usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn’t have.

There are two theories to arguing with women.. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Not a one liner:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

And one last one:

A husband comes home from church, greets his wife and lifts her up. He carries her around the house.

The wife is surprised and asks, "Did the pastor preach about being romantic?"

The husband said," No, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows!"

Signs of the Time

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale……. Cheap……. …. no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives they will look for you.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking… I Gave Up Reading .

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses…
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
‘Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.’

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don’t Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don’t Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !

English is a Funny Language – Part III

Did you like the post And you thought English was easy? Well, here is Part III in the series English is a Funny Language. Read Part I and Part II.

Before further ado… here’s some more phrases a lexophile would love:

  • A seamstress, and a sewer, fell down into a sewer line.
  • After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
  • At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
  • He could lead, if he would get the lead out.
  • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
  • I did not object to the object.
  • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
  • I spent last evening, evening out a pile of dirt.
  • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
  • The bandage was wound around the wound.
  • The buck does funny things, when the does are present.
  • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
  • The farm was used to produce produce.
  • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
  • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
  • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
  • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
  • They were too close to the door to close it.
  • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
  • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
  • We must polish the Polish furniture.
  • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

And, to close this post, try pronouncing this:

If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

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