Announcements in church are a part and parcel of the church experience. Not to mention people clamouring outside the church bulletin board to read the too long ones. But, when you have bloopers like these…

1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
2. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands..
4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
6. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.. S. Is done.
20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

Cool One Liners

If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.

Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out..

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he’s usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn’t have.

There are two theories to arguing with women.. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Not a one liner:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

And one last one:

A husband comes home from church, greets his wife and lifts her up. He carries her around the house.

The wife is surprised and asks, "Did the pastor preach about being romantic?"

The husband said," No, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows!"

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale……. Cheap……. …. no strings attached.

Ad In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time!

On a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives they will look for you.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking… I Gave Up Reading .

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses…
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
‘Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please do Pay In Advance.’

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don’t Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man,
There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because
Women Ask too Many Questions.

Getting Caught
Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You,
Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber’s Saloon In Detroit :
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don’t Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don’t Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !

Did you like the post And you thought English was easy? Well, here is Part III in the series English is a Funny Language. Read Part I and Part II.

Before further ado… here’s some more phrases a lexophile would love:

• A seamstress, and a sewer, fell down into a sewer line.
• After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
• At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
• He could lead, if he would get the lead out.
• How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
• I did not object to the object.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
• I spent last evening, evening out a pile of dirt.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The buck does funny things, when the does are present.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• They were too close to the door to close it.
• To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
• We must polish the Polish furniture.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

And, to close this post, try pronouncing this:

If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the bough on a tree!

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Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, ‘This sort of thing is all too common’.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled – ‘He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual(?) announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…

1. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’

2. ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’

3. ‘Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.’

4. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.’

5. ‘We are now travelling through Baker Street … As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that’.

6. ‘Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.’

7. During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: ‘Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman… unfortunately, towels are not provided.’

8. ‘Let the passengers off the train FIRST!’ (Pause . ‘Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care – I’m going home….’

9. ‘Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.’

10. ‘Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.’

11. ‘We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.’

12. ‘To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage — what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?’

13. ‘Please move all baggage away from the doors.’ (Pause… ‘Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.’ (Pause…. ‘This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!’

14. ‘May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.’

No offence to anyone, but this is so funny!

She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
* She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
* She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”

She is Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

They may not even be from Dilbert, but these are one liners that sure set those rusted wheels up there in motion!

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
14. A room temperature IQ.
15. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
16. A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
19. Bright as Alaska in December.
20. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
21. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
22. Fell out of the family tree.
23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
24. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
25. He’s so dense, light bends around him.
26. If brains were taxed, he’d get a rebate.
27. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
28. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.
29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
30. It’s hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
31. One neuron short of a synapse.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
33. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
34. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

How many times we have heard this question. Here could be a few plausible opinions on the same:

BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change ! The chicken wanted change !

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One! that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn’t about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where’s my gun?

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken’s intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won’t realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he’s acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I’m going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he’s guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART : No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer’s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS : Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I’ve not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY : To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can’t you people see the plain truth? That’s why they call it the ‘other side.’ Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like ‘the other side.’ That chicken should not be crossing the road. It’s as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS : Isn’t that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE : It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?