If they had a cow…

INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.

WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.

SATYAMism
You have a cow. You have its milk. But don’t know what to do with it!

DELLism
Intel has a Goat.. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow’s milk.

IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.

MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.

SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn’t give milk. You hate Microsoft.

ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don’t know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.

SAPism
You don’t have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.

APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.

SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world’s thinnest milk.

CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2… stay on line if you’d like our customer care to milk it for you.

HPism
You don’t know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorized resellers only.

GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that’s his imagination at work.

RELIANCEism
You don’t yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.

TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.

24 Church Bulletin Board Bloopers!

Announcements in church are a part and parcel of the church experience. Not to mention people clamouring outside the church bulletin board to read the too long ones. But, when you have bloopers like these…

  1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
  2. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
  3. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands..
  4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
  5. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
  6. Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  8. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  9. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  10. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  11. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice
  12. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  13. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  14. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  15. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  16. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
  17. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  18. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  19. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.. S. Is done.
  20. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  21. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  22. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  23. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  24. The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

Cool "Out of Office" replies

I haven’t tried any of these when I went on leave. Chances are I won’t be.

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I?m not really out of the office. I?m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn?t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.?

( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I?m thinking about what you?ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I?m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don?t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I?ve run away to join a different circus.

25 Beautiful Short Phrases

Cool One Liners

If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.

I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.

Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out..

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he’s usually wrong.

Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn’t have.

There are two theories to arguing with women.. Neither one works.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you’re right, no one remembers. When you’re wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.

Not a one liner:

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars."

And one last one:

A husband comes home from church, greets his wife and lifts her up. He carries her around the house.

The wife is surprised and asks, "Did the pastor preach about being romantic?"

The husband said," No, he said we must carry our burdens and sorrows!"

Quotes in British Newspapers

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, ‘This sort of thing is all too common’.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
(Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled – ‘He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out ‘Heil Hitler.”
(Bournemouth Evening Echo)