Alien cross the road

Effective Signboards

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff’s office and said, “You’ve got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens.”

“What do you want me to do?” asked the sheriff.

“I don’t care, just do something about those crazy drivers!”

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, “You’ve got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing’ sign seems to make them go even faster.”

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, “Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?”

The sheriff told him, “Sure thing, put up your own sign.” He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. “How’s the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?”

“Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I’ve got to go. I’m very busy.” He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, “I’d better go out there and take a look at that sign. it might be something that We could use to slow down drivers…” So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John’s house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood

NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

Confucius

Confucius says… and other jokes

Confucius says

Confucius

  1. War do not determine who right; war determine who left
  2. If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
  3. Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
  4. He who run in front of car get tired; He who run behind get exhausted
  5. Don’t run after man who steal garden gate; He might take a fence
  6. Best time to go to dentist is tooth hurty
  7. Man who put pea in soup very unclean

And some other jokes

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy.
=====
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me…
======
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what’s your phone number?
=======
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we’ll be the happiest couple
==========
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve?
===========
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon?
=============
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?
================
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
===================
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I’m wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
================
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
=======================
MARY : John says I’m pretty. Andy says I’m ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you’re pretty ugly.
=====================
Girlfriend : “…And are you sure you love me and no one else ?”
Boyfriend : “Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday”.
====================
Teacher : “Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?”
Pupil : “The moon”.
Teacher : “Why?”
Pupil : “The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don’t need it”.
=======================
Teacher : “What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?”
Pupil : “A teacher”.
=================
Waiter : “Would you like your coffee black?”
Customer : “What other colors do you have?
==============
Teacher : “Sam, you talk a lot !”
Sam : “It’s a family tradition”.
Teacher : “What do you mean?”
Sam : “Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher”.
Teacher : “What about your mother?”
Sam : “She’s a woman”.
=============================
Tom : “How should I convey the news to my father that I’ve failed?”
David: “You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year’s performance repeated”.
================
Teacher : “Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?”
Student : “Brotherly love”.
====================
Teacher : “Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?”
Sam : “No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook”.
=================================
Patient : “What are the chances of my recovering doctor?”
Doctor : “One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I’ve treated. The others all died”.
=======================================
Teacher : “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? ”
One Student : “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time.”
========================================
Teacher : “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.. Now do you know why his father didn’t punish him ?”
One Student: ” Because George still had the axe in is hand.”

 

Sainsbury's supermarket, Greenwich

The Letter from Sainsbury’s

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury’s. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Sainsbury's supermarket, Greenwich

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury’s…

Dear Mrs. D’Souza,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. D’Souza, are listed below and are “documented by our video surveillance cameras”:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the Staff passed out.

Image source: Stacey Harris [CC-BY-SA-2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

You know its 2012 when...

You know you are living in 2012 when…

You know its 2012 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses (or Facebook account).

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries…

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile : )

12 You’re reading this and nodding and laughing

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to share this post with (see the cool icons below)

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list

Go ahead and tell your friends. Share this post to others and let them join in your laughter :)

26 things you probably didn't know you didn't know!

26 things you probably didn’t know you didn’t know!

26 things you probably didn't know you didn't know!

  1. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
  2. Coca-Cola was originally green.
  3. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
  4. The State with the Highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
  5. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
  6. The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
  7. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
  8. The average number Of people airborne over the U. S. In any given hour: 61,000
  9. Intelligent people Have more zinc and copper in their hair..
  10. The first novel ever Written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
  11. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
  12. Each king in a deck Of playing cards represents a great king from history:
    Spades – King David
    Hearts – Charlemagne
    Clubs -Alexander, the Great
    Diamonds – Julius Caesar
  13. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321
  14. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse Has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, The person died because of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes
  15. Only two people Signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn’t added until 5 years later.
  16. Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
    A. Their birthplace
  17. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
    A. Obsession
  18. Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, How far would you have to go until you Would find the letter ‘A’?
    A. One thousand
  19. Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, Windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
    A. All were invented By women.
  20. Q. What is the only Food that doesn’t spoil?
    A. Honey
  21. Q. Which day are there more collect calls Than any other day of the year?
    A. Father’s Day
  22. In Shakespeare’s time, Mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, Making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the Phrase…’Goodnight , sleep tight’
  23. It was the accepted Practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride’s father would supply His son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, Which we know today as the honeymoon.
  24. In English pubs, ale Is ordered by pints and quarts… So in old England , when Customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them ‘Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.’ . . . It’s where we get The phrase ‘mind your P’s and Q’s’
  25. Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked Into the rim, or handle, of their ceramiccups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. ‘Wet your whistle’ is the phrase inspired by this practice.
  26. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow!