I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I knelt and said a hurried prayer, And jumped up off my knees. My Christian duty was now done My soul could rest at ease….. All day long I had no time To spread a word of cheer No time to speak of Christ to friends, They’d laugh at me I’d fear. No time, no time, too much to do, That was my constant cry, No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to…
Catholic Code Words
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original “Jaws” story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of…
Who is Jesus?
My good friend Sparx has maintained a steady stream of good emails. Here’s the latest one: There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn’t get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father’s business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother Was sure He was God’s gift. But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with…
Painting Lesson
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very interested in making extra money where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches. Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jack was…
Knock at the Door
A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote “Revelation 3:20″ on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10.” Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.” Genesis 3:10 reads, “I heard…
Story of an Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods. He said to himself: “What majestic trees!” “What powerful rivers!” “What beautiful animals!” As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,…
Funny You Should Come To Me…
A Jewish lawyer was troubled by the way his son turned out and went to see his Rabbi about it. “I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive bar mitzvah, it cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian. Rabbi… where did I go wrong?” “Funny you should come to me,” said the Rabbi. “Like you, I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through university, it cost me a fortune, then one day he comes and tells me he has decided to become a Christian.” “What did you do?” asked…
The Bible in the 21st Century
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning … cold. The Ten Commandments would actually be only five … double-spaced and written in a large font. A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food. Paul’s letter to the Romans would become Paul’s email to [email protected] Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates. Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have…
God?
This is one email I’ve received time and again and it never stops me thinking. I don’t know if it is actually a true story as claimed. Guess the only person to answer it is the man himself. Want to know who? Read the story 😛 Here it is:
When I say, “I am a Christian
Update: For those who read this before, I have corrected the poem. The incorrect version is stated to be by Maya Angelou. The actual poem is written by Carol Wimmer. You can read the history on her site as well as Urban Legends. Here is the original version: When I say, “I am a Christian,” I’m not shouting, “I’ve been saved!” I’m whispering, “I get lost! That’s why I chose this way” When I say, “I am a Christian,” I don’t speak with human pride I’m confessing that I stumble-needing God to be my guide When I say, “I am a Christian,” I’m not trying to be strong I’m professing…