• Confucius
    Jokes,  Quotes

    Confucius says… and other jokes

    Confucius says War do not determine who right; war determine who left If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient Man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants He who run in front of car get tired; He who run behind get exhausted Don’t run after man who steal garden gate; He might take a fence Best time to go to dentist is tooth hurty Man who put pea in soup very unclean And some other jokes BOY : May I hold your hand? GIRL : No thanks, it isn’t heavy. ===== GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me! BOY : You love me……

  • Forwards,  Jokes,  Quotes,  Religion

    24 Church Bulletin Board Bloopers!

    Announcements in church are a part and parcel of the church experience. Not to mention people clamouring outside the church bulletin board to read the too long ones. But, when you have bloopers like these… The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’ Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.…

  • Forwards,  Jokes,  Quotes

    25 Beautiful Short Phrases

    Cool One Liners If you’re too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience. I’m on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it. I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people. Never try to drown your troubles… Especially if he can swim. Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking. Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a…

  • Forwards,  Jokes,  Quotes

    Signs of the Time

    Advertisement In A Long Island Shop: Guitar, for sale……. Cheap……. …. no strings attached. Ad In Hospital Waiting Room: Smoking Helps You Lose Weight … One Lung At A Time! On a bulletin board: Success Is Relative. The more The Success, The more The Relatives they will look for you. When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking… I Gave Up Reading . My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn’t Need Glasses… He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle. You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When: Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick.. Or when your Son starts To wipe It Off. Sign In A Bar: ‘Those Of You…

  • Forwards,  Jokes,  Quotes

    English is a Funny Language – Part III

    Did you like the post And you thought English was easy? Well, here is Part III in the series English is a Funny Language. Read Part I and Part II. Before further ado… here’s some more phrases a lexophile would love: A seamstress, and a sewer, fell down into a sewer line. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum. He could lead, if he would get the lead out. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? I did not object to the object. I had to subject the subject…

  • Forwards,  Jokes,  Quotes

    Quotes in British Newspapers

    Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, ‘We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.’ (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle…

  • Forwards,  Jokes,  Quotes

    Announcements on the London Tube train

    A list of actual(?) announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers… 1. ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.’ 2. ‘Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.’ 3. ‘Do you want the good news first or…

  • Forwards,  Fun Stuff,  Jokes,  Quotes

    She was so blonde…

    No offence to anyone, but this is so funny! She was Soooooooo Blonde * She thought a quarterback was a refund. * She thought General Motors was in the army. * She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. * She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. * At the bottom of an application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.” She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde… * She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. * She sent a fax with a stamp on it. * Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.” She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde… *…

  • Forwards,  Fun Stuff,  Jokes,  Quotes

    Dilbert One Liners – Quotes that make you go hmmm…

    They may not even be from Dilbert, but these are one liners that sure set those rusted wheels up there in motion! 1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen. 2. A friend in need is a pest indeed. 3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce. 4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time. 5. When everything comes in your way you’re in the wrong

  • Forwards,  Fun Stuff,  Jokes,  Quotes

    Performance Reports

    1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity. 3. I would not allow this employee to breed. 4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be. 5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there. 7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 8. This young lady has delusions…

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