The husband’s on a week long business trip and gets a call from his wife: W: “Hello, sweetheart!”H: “Ah yes, darling, I’m busy. Is there a problem?”W: “Um, I just called to tell you that the parrot died”H: “My parrot? Dead? The one that won the competition?”W: “That’s the one.”H: “Damn ! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. Ohwell…How did he die? “W: “From eating rotten meat.”H: “Rotten meat? Where did he get rotten meat?”W: “He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.”H: “Dead horses? What dead horses?”W: “Why, those pure breed ones that you had. They died from all that work pulling…
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22 Points to Ponder
[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. [2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee. [3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! [4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried – but they wanted cash. [5] A child’s greatest period of growth is the month after you’ve purchased new school uniforms. [6] Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent. [7] Don’t marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever…
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If they had a cow…
INFOSYSism You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking. WIPROism GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk. SATYAMism You have a cow. You have its milk. But don’t know what to do with it! DELLism Intel has a Goat.. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow’s milk. IBMism You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen. MICROSOFTism You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.…
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If Sachin had his appraisal…
Kudos to Sachin Tendulkar on scoring the first 200 in International cricket. We watched his performance and it was one well deserved 200. Unfortunately for hi, when he had his appraisal, here’s what happened! 200 Runs/ 147Balls / 25×4 / 3×6 Agree you have done GREAT BUT BUT BUT BUT 25 x 4s = 100 3 x 6s = 18 It implies that you scored 118 Runs in 28 Balls. And 12 x 2s = 24 58 x 1s = 58 IT means you scored all 200 Runs in only 98 balls So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls…
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Catholic Code Words
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH: The original “Jaws” story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of…
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24 Church Bulletin Board Bloopers!
Announcements in church are a part and parcel of the church experience. Not to mention people clamouring outside the church bulletin board to read the too long ones. But, when you have bloopers like these… The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’ Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.…
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For my Goan friends…
Our friend from Moira, Juze Bostiaum, appeared on Kaun Banega Crorepati, the famous ‘Amitabh Bachchan’ hosted show. Juze had miraculously reached the end of the rounds by saying all his Rosaries & Novenas & had already won Rs. 50 lacs. “You’ve done very well so far,” said Amitabh, “but for Rs. 1 crore, you’ve only got one lifeline left – Phone a Friend. Everything’s riding on this question… will you go for it ?” “Sure,” said Juze. “Aum ek last chance, marta!” “OK ….. The QUESTION is ….. Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest ? a) Robin,(b) Sparrow,(c) Cuckoo, or(d) Crow”? “Heje maayinchem caazar ……
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The Flat Tire
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental Health) He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can’t fish the bolts out, he started to panic. One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there’s nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident. The patient laughed at him & said “can’t even fix such a simple…
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Computer Terms
State-of-the- art: Any computer you can’t afford. Obsolete: Any computer you own. Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the- art computer to become obsolete. G3: Apple’s new Macs that make you say, “Gee, it’s three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a microsecond ago.” Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, “Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.” Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, especially after a Syntax Error. GUI (pronounced “gooey”): What your computer becomes after spilling your coke on it. Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse: An advanced input…
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Cool “Out of Office” replies
I haven’t tried any of these when I went on leave. Chances are I won’t be. 1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position . 2: I?m not really out of the office. I?m just ignoring you. 3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn?t have received anything at all. 4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management 5: I will be unable to delete all the…
