1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
5. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
6. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
7. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
8. A thief who stole a calendar… got twelve months.
9. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
10. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
11. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.
12. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
13. The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
14. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
15. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
16. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
17. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
18. A will is a dead giveaway.
19. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
20. A backward poet writes inverse.
21. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
22. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
23. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
24. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
25. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
26. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
27. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
28. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
29. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
30. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
31. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
32. A calendar’s days are numbered.
33. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
34. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
35. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
36. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
37. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
38. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
39. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
40. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
41. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
42. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
Brilliant! Made my day! 🙂
1. lexophile (n.) – a lover of cryptic words.
Example: Lexophiles do it with letters.
I think it’s funnier now that I know what a lexophile is. 😛
these are absolutely genius ! i love them , they are laugh out loud funny 😛
Just let me ask what is a lexophile?
A lover of words
Excellent! I really enjoyed reading this list. Thanks
I enjoyed reading this list. Pretty funny! 🙂
What’s a lexophile?
Heh.. great list. You should submit this to Digg. I can do it for you if you like, do you want me to? let me know. thanks.
That would make you listless.
Sure, that would be great 🙂
Some people are bothered by change, but not my friend Penny, she’s flexible and not only that she’s a handful to be counted on !
Nice Site. I am new here but will be visiting more often as you have done a good job.
Ummm..I don’t really understand what is lexophile. I search it in my dictionary but I don’t figure it out ..
what is lexophile? this word is new to me
What a nice Quotes..!!! Great Collections.
You are really at this. Keep posting more. You know how to play with words. Cheers
I am groaning in gleeful pain. You are a whiz at this. Keep them coming!
Fantastic Colection of quotes. and a lexophile is…
very nice info thank you
Heh, Nice, I like this: If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
These are fantastic, thank you for such a funny list.
For those who need to know, A Lexophile is defined as:
“A lover of cryptic words”
Reminds me of the “Confucius say” phrases.
Like – Confucius say
‘Man who fall on rake soon get the point.’
‘Man who go thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.’
‘Man who jumps off cliff, jumps to conclusion.’
Ah. Those. Thanks for reminding me Sparx.
You know what Confucius say of man who swallow family portrait?
He’ll soon be spitting image of his father.
Trying to speak while eating a pretzel is a crummy thing to do.
Reports from the rodeo is breaking news.
One word to sum it all.
You’ re a genius. Hats off. Thanks for posting.
We have devised a reading program that can teach almost anyone to read. Can we use these 42 examples to create a worksheet, please? It is hard to come up with material that will interest young adults. We will acknowledge from where we obtained them.
We would like to get into juvenile detention centres but we are in our seventies so not eligible
Sure, I don’t see why not.
Simply superb. Enjoyed reading all your phrases. You are very good at this. Would love reading more of your posts.
Simply Amazing, Made My Day!
eye can’t see yew but herd it.
Number 8 is my most favourite one (12 months). thanks
pl can u set this up so i can share thru whatsapp. thx. discovered yr site when i looked up the meaning of lexophile. thanks for a great site
Well done, mate!!
Absolutely brilliant, I’m an unrepentant Lexophile myself whose passion for the written word is fathomless and unending….thanks so much for bringing a smile to my lips and a whole new set of bad puns to my repertoire x
List is superb.. But look at this what I made.
He was intelligent, so he became “Intel Agent.”
I’m 73 years old and have always called your phrases PUNS! Guess “lexicon “ is the new “punny”!!??
From Karen Reid:
The archeologists were digging for a statue of Julius Caesar but the result was a bust.
They knew what to expect when praying to the goddess Lakshmi, because forewarned is four-armed.
The shipmate with the gold watch was the newest hire but he turned out to be a second hand.
Autumn was supposed to be a drought but ended up a waterfall.
They found the chest full of money buried in the ‘rive droite’ because it was the Right Bank.
When they found the deer hiding in the rock pile, it was their quarry.
The politician turned out to have feet of clay, so they were about to fire him.
A fresh fish dinner two days before Easter is good fry day.
Having too many laying hens on the farm is a chicken and egg problem.
Did you hear the one about the rooster who thought he was a matador? It was a cock and bull story.
Angeleno out on a dog walk near Pt. Mugu Naval Air Station: UCLA, well ICBM.
The drunk tripped and dropped his bottle of Johnnie Walker. He couldn’t hold his liquor.
If you play Scrabble with alphabet soup letters, you might have to eat your words.
The ultimate self referential:
A scheme to trick people with funny sayings is a lexicon.
His every pronouncement was on the straight and narrow because he was the ruler.
At every ball game, he had a handle, because he was the pitcher.
The nurse hired by the famous plastic surgeon told her friends she got a great nose job.
If you are selling apes on the black market you are into monkey business.
Why is a horse like an insect? It has two legs behind and fore legs in front.
When the monkey stopped breathing, they were able to rhesusitate him.
They tried to upgrade the software, but it was just window(s) dressing.
The baker threw the shortening across the kitchen to her sous chef because they wanted to watch the butter fly.
When the horse showed up in my bedroom at 2 a.m. it was a night mare.
When the east coast doctor suggested hot bath soaks for her sore rib muscles, he was recommending the intercostal water way.
The guy who tested deodorants for a living worked in the olfactory.
When the German adulterer got up and went straight to the deli, he went from bed to wurst.
(Tom’s version). The German got out of the bath and went to the deli. He went from bad to wurst.
From Nate Reid:
Do you carry chicken broth? Yes it’s in stock.
Sacramento’s population is bringing lots of new tax revenue: capitol gains.
What’s another name for cross pollination? Cropulation
Here about that Aboriginal musician who committed murder? Well, digeridoo it or not?
I see that wood in every home center, it must be poplar.
You made my morning all smiles.Thanks.
May I contribute two of mine as the following?
The Chinese prefer steamed food to roasted/grilled/baked stuff, so there is no bakery but only steamery in China.
In China one kilometer equals two Chinese miles and one kilogram equals two Chinese pounds. So everybody’s age is now half the number in “metric years old.”
Dave Allen hosted an excellent show titled “vagaries of the English language”.
Available on you tube
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac is a person who lies awake nights wondering if there really is a dog.